I don’t actually know if it is Day 40. It vaguely feels like it, given that that last week Thursday was Day 35 (I think). Days blur into each other, which seems to be a common theme for most.
Nevertheless, I had a definite “urgh” moment when I woke today into a bright Monday morning. I took that as a good sign. It was almost as if my internal system was telling me that we made it through April (where? how?), and the bullshit stops now. It’s May, this is the new normal, and it was time to sweep the ambitions (and obligations) from under the carpet. Reality says hello. And so I did what i did pretty much most Mondays: I blew off the day. I never really work on Mondays. It is my weekend-recovery day, when kids are (usually) at school and I get to spend the day with me and myself. Even before #lockdown my guilt on this was approaching a fat round zero, so you can imagine that today was a rather effortless day.
I spent the day with a brand new A4 blank book (first thing I bought at Exclusive Books when the shop opened up Friday), a lot of pens, pencils, kokis and fineliners, and a lot of ideas. Today was my day. Somehow it was also the first real day since #lockdown that I have thought carefully about what personal progress I want to make during this opportunity. Like I said, I’m not quite sure what happened to April! But today’s process has (for example) led me to this blog again. I spent some time clicking on all the broken links, exploring the anthologies cut-off midpoint (my journey with Waldenstrom specifically) and re-reading some of the old stuff. A bit of a disjointed mess, if you ask me, but I am not pulling the plug or scratching it all. I am just going to continue, and hopefully it will all pull together somehow. I do have some fun plans for where this blog can/should go…and maybe this is the time to make it happen.
I really need a routine
Certainly, today’s musings have highlighted the need of a routine. I have almost none at this stage, and that is dangerous and wasteful. So here is a promise to myself…come hell or high water, I will make an entry here everyday, at least for the next 365 days. I am already regretful that I didn’t over the past 6 months, because I would have loved to be able to trace my progress through life during these past months. A lot of interesting things have happened, and I am not even talking about the pandemic. At least I do know why I am not writing here as often as I would like: it’s because I am torn between wanting to be honest and authentic, but also not making my inner thoughts available to the whole world to consume. It’s a weird self-inflicted dilemma, and I will write more on it separately.